NFL Rules

Confidential sources have indicated that the NFL is considering some sweeping rule changes, all with a goal of increasing the entertainment value of the former sport.  Unnamed executives indicated that, “Our goal is for fans to have fun, to go home with memories of exciting games when their team miraculously won despite the odds against such outcomes.”

One conclusion was that home field advantage has to mean something more.  Consequently, the NFL is considering giving the home team five downs per possession, while the visiting team will still have only four downs per possession.  Purists have protested, but the NFL has reminded them that the focus is on the fans.  “Our sponsors want to sell beer and pickup trucks.  The home team winning is good for viewer retention.  If the home team is losing, fans tend to change the channel.  That does not sell anything.”

Another proposal receiving serious consideration is requiring both teams to wear identical uniforms without numbers or names on the jerseys.  This idea would so totally confuse players that miscues and mistakes would be rampant.  The idea emerged from some enthusiasts of America’s Funniest Home Videos.  The players union is adamant in their opposition to this idea.  One spokesperson said, “This is the most ridiculous idea since Bill Veeck tried midget players.”

Yet another extreme proposal is limiting each player, except the quarterback or kicker, from touching the ball more than once per game.  Each player gets one carry or one catch per game.  Enthusiasts have pointed out that this would give many other players chances to display their skills.  Naysayers respond that this would decimate the record books.  Almost no one could excel with one possession per game.

The Consolidated NFL Hall of Fame is studying this proposal.  Since the Consolidated Corporation acquired the HOF, they have changed many policies and procedures.  HOF members no longer vote on potential inductees to the Hall.  Election is now based on sales of apparel and accessories.  Not surprisingly, the result has been that players are elected in their first year of eligibility or not at all.  Once no one remembers them and their game shirts are not selling, players simply disappear from the collective consciousness.

The most controversial proposal by far would eliminate any play calling by coaches.  Head coaches, offensive coordinators, and defensive coordinators would be prohibited from directing plays.  The quarterback would be solely responsible for choosing and executing plays.  Any evidence that the coaching staff was trying to intervene in the calls would result in forfeiture of downs.  Two assessments would result in forfeiture of the game.

The backdrop for all these deliberations is the desire to increase fan enjoyment and commitment.  Everyone wants their team to make the playoffs.  Another proposal being considered is that every team makes the playoffs.  Further, each round of the playoffs would be the best two of three games rather than a single game.  The three games would be played in a one-week period.  This would push the Super Bowl into April or May.  This would yield a windfall of revenue from advertising and ticket sales.

Finally, initial ideas are emerging for decreasing the current 12 minutes that the ball is in play during a typical three hour telecast.  Another 2-3 minutes of advertising time would be highly valuable.  The most popular suggestion was to eliminate stopping the clock during a series of downs and then adding an additional minute of advertising between each of the four quarters.  Enthusiasts argue that the faster-paced game would be more exciting.

Overall responses of fans to these suggestions have been quite negative.  One fan said, “If you make the real game so short and I only get to see my favorite player once, how am I going to be able to justify three hours of drinking beer and scarfing junk food?  I already have a new pickup truck.”  Another fan remarked, “Well, at least these changes will reduce injuries.  Football is just an excuse to hang out with my friends anyways.”

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