Latest Airline Tag Line
New York — In reaction to a flurry of consumer complaints about major airlines’ new “zero fare” model, one airline has unveiled a new marketing pitch, with the following tag line.
“We don’t need you — take the bus!”
Responding to pundits’ criticisms of this being ridiculously “over the top,” an airline spokesperson responded, “We have monopoly positions on many of our routes. We can charge anything we want. We can provide whatever level of service we want. Customers have NO leverage. They have no choice.”
When asked if their intent was to antagonize customers, the response was, “We want to weed out customers who complain. They are just irritants. We have instructed our customer service agents to hang up when customers complain and zero out their frequent flyer accounts.”
“Is that legal?” we asked and the answer was, “We are not concerned with that. Take us to court. Sue us. We can afford years of such suits. Consumers are effectively helpless. They always have been, but now this is an important element of our business strategy.”
“Won’t this eventually backfire?”
“Maybe, although this country has never been interested in investing in serious alternatives. Almost nobody has a functional train alternative. Buses are possible but painfully slow.”
“At some point, won’t the government intervene?”
“We only need 3-5 years. In that time, we will accumulate huge sums of money — we estimate $250 billion — and then we will withdraw from the market, sell the planes, and move on.”
“What will communities do that depend on air transportation?”
“We would be glad to sell them our airplanes, although they will probably need a bit of maintenance and update by then. We actually have planned to sell the planes to developing countries, but I suppose a local deal could be worked out, as long as we are indemnified for all risks.”
“So, you really do not care about your customers and the public in general?”
“Our only goal is to maximize shareholder value in any ways that are legally possible. If you were a major shareholder, you would certainly agree. Our one objective is to turn money into more money — the airline business is just the current means to that end.”
